Bill's Movie Reviews: The Time Machine

How could they have screwed up their tagline "Where would you go?" It’s WHEN WOULD YOU GO, you idiots. You don’t go anywhere…it’s WHEN!!! It’s a TIME MACHINE!!!!!

I was totally prepared to not only hate but detest this movie. I particularly hate Hollywood’s arrogance in re-making "classic" films that were successes years ago. It’s so
Invasive, lazy, arrogant, and trespasses onto sacred territory. "Hey, let’s rework the Mona Lisa, give Michael Angelo’s David a remake…maybe adding some socially correct undergarments, and do an all-new, improved Sistine Chapel!"
"Hey, I have an even better idea! Let’s re-make the Time Machine, and get H.G. Wells grandson to direct it!!!! What marketing! What PR!" It was a good marketing idea. And cheers to the PR department for holding up the facade even though Simon Wells (H.G.’s grandson) couldn’t cut it, had a nervous break down during shooting and had to be replaced by a "ghost director."

Having said all this, I must now admit that I actually was entertained by this movie. Again it was by far no cinematic quality piece, but it was fun (whoever directed it and even if it is a remake.) I must also confess that I was not a die-hard fan of the original, so the movie’s trespasses offended me far less than people who really knew and enjoyed the first version.

I must say that the acting throughout the first quarter seemed noticeably bad. (Is that the part that Simon directed?) And they could also have been more careful with the time-line of the near future:
By the year 2037 the Earth’s surface is destroyed. Years before this New York is covered with futuristic glass skyscrapers and a museum has a "phototronic" brain which contains the sum-total of human knowledge and essentially is a being that interacts with holography. This is 2002. 2037 – 2002 = 35 years. Hello folks, this just ain’t gonna happen within the next thirty years.

Speaking of the "phototronic" brain: someone needs a new brain for casting Orlando Jones as the "comic relief" in this part. First off, all of the one-liners in the entire movie were really unfunny and stuck out. Who did they hire to punch up this script? Slappy the clown? Most of these bad one-liners were delivered by Orlando. Cut cut cut!

Overlooking their sloppiness with the time-line and bad jokes, I was entertained, amused, and even kept in suspense. I thought the revamped morlocks were creepy and well done, even if they looked exactly like E.T. on crack.

The thing that sticks out most for me in this movie----the thing that they get a AAA award and four gold stars for is- drum roll please…… It ended ON TIME! Wow, just like old-fashioned movie making. Remember when B-movies were under two hours long? I want to kiss them for keeping this at 90 minutes. I left feeling entertained and still human. They knew they weren’t dealing with epic or ground-breaking material, and they knew when to stop. God bless them! I hate the way most directors hold you hostage for two and a half to over three hours now. Haven’t they heard of editing? It’s easier to be sloppy and ramble on than it is to be focused, to-the-point, and artfully, craft fully, cleverly sculpted. Most movies these days have thirty minutes of material content yet their running time is longer than a transcontinental flight. I leave the theatre sore, exhausted, and I head for baggage claim.



		Time Machine "Where would you go?" How could they have screwed up their tagline "Where would you go?" It’s WHEN WOULD YOU GO, you idiots. You don’t go anywhere…it’s WHEN!!! It’s a TIME MACHINE!!!!! I was totally prepared to not only hate but detest this movie. I particularly hate Hollywood’s arrogance in re-making "classic" films that were successes years ago. It’s so Invasive, lazy, arrogant, and trespasses onto sacred territory. "Hey, let’s rework the Mona Lisa, give Michael Angelo’s David a remake…maybe adding some socially correct undergarments, and do an all-new, improved Sistine Chapel!" "Hey, I have an even better idea! Let’s re-make the Time Machine, and get H.G. Wells grandson to direct it!!!! What marketing! What PR!" It was a good marketing idea. And cheers to the PR department for holding up the facade even though Simon Wells (H.G.’s grandson) couldn’t cut it, had a nervous break down during shooting and had to be replaced by a "ghost director." Having said all this, I must now admit that I actually was entertained by this movie. Again it was by far no cinematic quality piece, but it was fun (whoever directed it and even if it is a remake.) I must also confess that I was not a die-hard fan of the original, so the movie’s trespasses offended me far less than people who really knew and enjoyed the first version. I must say that the acting throughout the first quarter seemed noticeably bad. (Is that the part that Simon directed?) And they could also have been more careful with the time-line of the near future: By the year 2037 the Earth’s surface is destroyed. Years before this New York is covered with futuristic glass skyscrapers and a museum has a "phototronic" brain which contains the sum-total of human knowledge and essentially is a being that interacts with holography. This is 2002. 2037 – 2002 = 35 years. Hello folks, this just ain’t gonna happen within the next thirty years. Speaking of the "phototronic" brain: someone needs a new brain for casting Orlando Jones as the "comic relief" in this part. First off, all of the one-liners in the entire movie were really unfunny and stuck out. Who did they hire to punch up this script? Slappy the clown? Most of these bad one-liners were delivered by Orlando. Cut cut cut! Overlooking their sloppiness with the time-line and bad jokes, I was entertained, amused, and even kept in suspense. I thought the revamped morlocks were creepy and well done, even if they looked exactly like E.T. on crack. The thing that sticks out most for me in this movie----the thing that they get a AAA award and four gold stars for is- drum roll please…… It ended ON TIME! Wow, just like old-fashioned movie making. Remember when B-movies were under two hours long? I want to kiss them for keeping this at 90 minutes. I left feeling entertained and still human. They knew they weren’t dealing with epic or ground-breaking material, and they knew when to stop. God bless them! I hate the way most directors hold you hostage for two and a half to over three hours now. Haven’t they heard of editing? It’s easier to be sloppy and ramble on than it is to be focused, to-the-point, and artfully, craft fully, cleverly sculpted. Most movies these days have thirty minutes of material content yet their running time is longer than a transcontinental flight. I leave the theatre sore, exhausted, and I head for baggage claim.